Reconciliations and Misgivings

            Realizing that you’ve made a mistake is probably one of the biggest challenges of mankind. For me, it is obviously true as well. Is admitting a mistake only an issue of pride? At its core the answer seems simply, “yes”, but I believe if one digs deeper into the human soul, they will find something even more profound.

In Kazuo Ishiguro’s book, An Artist of the Floating World, his main character Ono, is a painter faced with cultural changes that are morphing his society into militaristic and imperialist society. As the changes take their effect, Ono at first is pensive and rather uncomfortable with the “sudden” transformation of his beloved country. In a series of situations, Ono ends up siding with the nationalists of his country who frequently violate the rights of “suspect” citizens of Japan. Not only has Ono given himself to the nationalist party, but he has lent his talents of painting towards the movement. Whether his art is sheer propaganda or artful inspiration, his loyalties are clear.

After the War, Ono’s reflections on the past haunt him in various ways. His regrets of past mistakes challenge the very humanness within him. As he wrestles with these thoughts, Ono dishonestly shapes they way he wished to see his transgressions. In order that he might live a good life and still feel like a respectable man, Ono lies to himself about the reality of his past. Despite this, Ono does recognize to an extent the sinfulness of his past, but it is only a half-truth, and it is by this half truth that he appeases his conscious.

    When I reflect back on my past mistakes, (which have been many!), I can be overwhelmed by its magnitude. One of the ways in which we humans attempt to cope with our misdeeds is by punishing ourselves. This I have been guilty of many times. Sometimes it seems that the hardest person to forgive can be yourself. I am reminded of the ancient flagellants of history who literally flogged themselves in order to make penance for their sins. Now although that is an extreme example, we humans “beat ourselves up” when we haven’t made perfect decisions. Even Buddhist monks have gone to the very edge of this kind of thinking and burned themselves as a way of moral cleansing.

    In some ways, Ono is guilty of this ritual of “flogging” himself internally. As an outsider looking into the character of Ono, the answer seems quite simple, so much so that I feel like yelling at the pages of the book. The answer is reconciliation. One simple act of humble admittance breaks all the walls of pride, indifference, and most importantly fear. It shatters the need for self-preservation and most graciously acknowledges the brokenness of our humanity. Once again, I am brought back to the place of my faith in Jesus Christ as it is completely integral to my life. All desires to punish something or someone for our transgressions are gone and laid upon the Son of God. But in order to get to that place of peace and rest, the reconciliation begins with, “I’m sorry…”.